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My Lonley Nights

He slept well with his large and rough hand resting on my chest. I watched him with loving eyes whilst feelings of deep guilt surged inside me.

He worked hard everyday. His workload could have been performed by a person with one and a half times the strength he had. He began at seven in the evening and arrived home at eight in the morning, claiming to work so hard to spare me working myself.
 
He intended to pay off the mortgage himself before we started a family. I along with others around me believed that I was very fortunate. I was sponsored to Australia and was not required to work in order
to live comfortably. I enjoyed my new life here and partook in some English language classes to further ease my transition into this new country.
 
He loved me very dearly and was determined to prove that he was a trustworthy partner who wanted to sustain a long term relationship with me.
 
Although he managed of all of our assets they were all
recorded under my name. He believed the English classes I was undertaking would be useful for daily communication and believed that mastering the language of my new homeland would demonstrate that I was a formidable new citizen.
 
He also thought that English would be a useful tool in
raising our children later on. I grew bored on the weekends as I had not yet become familiar with the new city so he took me shopping and to the Crown Casino.
 
I never in my wildest imagination guessed that I would become a gambler. I never even knew how to bet money or to play the machines like he did.
 
However, I quickly learnt how. As it was our first time at the Casino he fixed a sum of $500 for us to gamble for fun. He just stood back and observed me play, sharing in my excitement when I won by a stroke of luck.
 
Passers by in the Casino stopped and surrounded me, praising my “lucky” hands. I was enjoying myself so much that the emotions I felt far superseded those I felt on my first night being married, an event of monumental importance in my life!
 
I returned to the Casino, played and won some more. My English was steadily improving by the day. I understood more and was gaining access to the finer things in life. He was so proud of me and boasted to others that I helped him a lot.
 
His friends noticed that I was a beautiful girl and wanted to befriend me. He was worried that he was going to lose me but reassured himself that I wouldn’t find a husband who cared for or loved his wife as much as he did.
 
The days went by and he followed the same routine of leaving for work at night and returning in the morning. When he came home all his time was reserved for sleeping and resting for the next night’s
work.
 
He hurriedly fit in love making only a couple days a week. We often only talked as he was readying himself for work.  Life felt monotonous and I was bored. I had completed my 510 hours of English classes and had explored all the local shopping
centres.
 
I suggested that I should find a job but he opposed the idea and said that I should continue as I was.  I had nothing to do while he slept although sometimes I napped with him during the day. When he left for work I felt like I was as a prisoner in my own house.
 
Gradually I decided that I should go out at night. I did not like drinking and so ruled out nightclubs and bars. I was convinced that the Crown Casino was the best alternative and went there by public transport.
 
                                 
At first I went there occasionally. Later I could not stay home unless I had to go to our friend’s places.
As I played more I lost more. I doubted that my hands were as “lucky” as everyone had first thought and regretted wasting money.
 
However I could not sit idly at home and wait for my husband to discover that I had gambled all our savings so I returned to chase my losses.
 
At this stage I had reached the limits of the credit cards so I withdrew the entire contents of his savings account. I lost all that I had withdrawn that night then took the title of the house to a finance company the following morning to apply for a loan.
 
I lost all of my money again and blamed misfortune for it. There was no longer any way for me to redeem what I had lost and there was not going to be any money until my husband’s payday for me to fund my gambling.
 
I wandered from table to machine watching others with greed in my eyes.  One night I met a man who was a very skilled gambler. I watched him and shared in his joy as he won and also drew a sigh when he
occasionally lost.
 
He won quite a heap of chips and spared me some. I won with his chips and he watched me place my bets, shaking his head at the errors I made. He taught me how to exercise strategy and bought me drinks which altered my sense of rational thought. I won.
 
I was drunk because of the glasses of wine that he bought me. I was happy as I touched the hard, cold chips. I held them tight in my hands. Things became spinning and blurry. I woke up as I had the feeling of holding a fat pig.
 
 
 
I was on a bed in a luxury hotel. I was naked. My noble man became a white skinned fat pig with his yellow hair.  I arrived home and stood in the shower for long time, letting the water run in the hope that it could wash away the dirtiness I felt.
 
I finally emerged and lay on my bed staring blankly at the ceiling, trying to piece together what happened. I tried to find reasons to pardon my behaviour but found none.
 
He then walked through the door. The sound of water running came from the bathroom. After showering he entered the bedroom where I pretended to sleep. I turned my face to the other side so he
wouldn’t detect the odour of the alcohol on my breath.
 
He turned my body and untied the strings of my bed robe. His whiskers pricked into my body like thorns on a bunch of roses. His rough hand with skin like sand paper was touching on my soft skin.
 
He fell asleep with his calloused hand sprawled on my chest.  He snored immediately…I watched him with love and regretted everything I had done.
 
H.T.L